The Bawdy Ballad of Pecos Lil

(dedicated to the Faygo Kid, rest in peace)

Out in the desert
in the summer of love
A strange seed dropped
from bird shit aboveIt came from a flytrap,
a Venus by name
A flesh-eating flower
Of dubious fameIt fell on a cactus
they call prickly pear
It fell and it grew
in the midst of nowhereMothered by thorns
near the great river Pecos
Slowly she grew
into sinister greatnessShe grew pretty funky
for quite a few years
Strange wicked beauty
that left cowboys in tearsTry as they might
To avoid that lush patch
Next thing they felt
was her sharp pretty snatchThe hurt was so good
and left not a mark
Soon they all lined up
until well after darkThe local saloon
closed up its back door
There was no more work
for the average whoreYou might think the end
of the story is near
But sit your ass down,
dig the wax out your earAnd listen real close
to where this is headin’
Cuz the desert is drier
than your grandmother’s nedenBut a drought in the desert
Fills up the wagon
Even our gal Lil was
All shriveley and saggin’Surely, she thought
my end must be near
Cuz off in the distance
I swore I could hearThe cries of a llama
getting fucked in the rump
What sounds like a circus
but smells like a dump?two rhyme bustin’ clowns
in a hella big truck
On it I read “full of fake pussies
ready to fuck”And underneath that,
handwritten and small
“If you can fuck one,
You’ll damn sure fuck ‘em all”I closed my eyes hard
when the tires got close
I was ready to start
my new life as a ghostWith a squeal of the brakes
and the slam of a door
Disappointment and hope
both bloomed in my coreA sticky wet shower
Made me open one eye
Two clowns tryna drown me
with red Rock and Rye!My mouth opened wide
And sweet Faygo poured in
Then I looked at their cocks
With my razor sharp grinI then commenced to put
a smile on each face
Now I’m queen of the carnival,
And my throne is a vaseA clown always wins
O’er a handsome crown prince
‘Cuz I been down to go down
on the clowns ever since!